my so called life

2011-01-16T22:28:00.003-05:00

Ok its been er.. YEARS since I wrote and I am sure no one really cares or follows me anymore.

New Years resolutions for 2011

1. I will bike ride - twice a week, health and weather permitting
2. Make new friends. - My life is boring and I am tired of not having people to hang with!! Time to take action!!!
3. Go back to school, again!

So far so good. I have ridden although once. Weather and health has not permitted more.
Make new friends.. started a meet up group. I hope good things come from it!

Go back to school. I have not done anything and I need to. I just don't know if I am ready to go back. Working two jobs and going to school with three kids.. well its a bridge I just finished crossing!!

We will see if I still keep up blogging.

2006-04-02T20:11:00.000-05:00

Well I guess I am down to writing less than once a month now.. here is a quick summary.

Went to Orlando on business during our counties spring break.. which was sweet because I took the family and went to see the evil expensive rat.. aka Disney.. actually it was Animal Kingdom which was very cool.. but again way too damn expensive.. I have never taken my kids to Disney before and I will have to manage to find a way to return before my young children enter college. I had a working vacation and went to the technology conference.. which was very awesome - its like Office Depot, Comp USA, and Home Depot all in one huge package!

I stayed at the Embassy Suite on Jamaican Ct if you ever get to splurge and go STAY HERE.. not only was everyone and I mean EVERYONE completely friendly and awesome the complementary breakfast buffet was wonderful.. I ate sooooooooooooooo much every morning I wasn’t hungry until dinner. I don’t know how people are THAT friendly no matter what.. without some serious anger management training and lots of good prescription drugs..

What made everything that much cooler was the boss gave me the day before and the day after of the trip off which mean more time spending with my family. Working as much as I have been especially with the audit surprising us I really have not been around.. and when I am I am usually too tired and too sick to do anything with them...esp on weekends when everything hits me.

Ok.. well I returned to work.. rested and happy and you know what that means.. its the worlds opportunity to piss me off.. The short version of the story is I am being reassigned.. again.. this is the seventh?.. dunno actually I stopped counting.

From the outside you would think I am a bad employee but I am not .. unfortunately I am very good and I have lots of experience so when something fails I am like the plug that stops the ship from sinking. Well things were ok.. until I got back and it was like .. hey your being put back in the classroom and if you don't like it you can transfer.. I was crushed.. all the freaking work I did.. and they strip me of all my responsibilities and put me back in a classroom.. that hurt.. the fact that others knew and started talking about me and my new position before I even returned.. that hurt more.. then the icing on the cake.. I was told I am not administrative material.

Lets see.. I do my job, and sometimes everyone else’s, then I get bounced around here and there like some freaking ping pong.. I come in freakishly early, stay late.. but I am not management material.. ok..your right.. I am too damn competent. What hurts the most is some of the reasons why I am not management material is I get upset when people take my head off.. this was told in confidence but used against me. So after a year and a half of being told to change my major to admin.. and I did it last month.. I am NOW told.. I SHOULDNT WASTE MY TIME. So I dropped out of college. I dont want to waste my money on a masters degree if I don’t have backing.

I need time to think and re-evaluate things.

If anyone is even still reading at this point.. you know two things about me.. I HAVE very little clue what I REALLY want to do in life.. and I have the extraordinary talent - Fibro. I brought on one of the WORST fibro attacks.. ever.. that’s how truly sick and demented I am.. it ruined my wedding anniversary, took days from my family and my kids.. all because of WORK?

I am still in pain - but no where near the degree earlier in the week. The problem is I have stopped standing up for myself.

ALL year I am told how I am not politically correct enough, how I get tunnel vision into my tasks and my curt answers offend people. I care about what I do.. and once again I was given a job with the strings of 4 other major job responsibilities and told when we hire more people you will be able to do the job you were hired to do.. that moment came the day before I was reassigned! When your a grunt you put up with the crap to see the light at the end of the tunnel.. well let me tell you folks.. the light was a diesel engine that knocked me right on my ass..

Let me clear something else.. its not about going back into the classroom.. I have taught - I can teach- but the way it was done.. I get great reviews from the auditors about my work.. go on a conference - come back and its wham.. your not doing your job anymore your going back into a classroom - do technology for right now.. then I find out a work order was issued to send it out 3rd party and its like ok.. what am I hear for?

The real kicker.. is my boss is one of my best friends.. we have ALWAYS been able to maintain our professional and private friendship - but I never saw this coming.. I feel hurt, betrayed, and used. So here I sit trying hard not to think about work all week and weekend.. to no avail..

A teacher told me before I left on Thursday that she heard I was going back into the classroom on Monday. Of course I have heard no official word.. the whole school will know before I do.

Other highlights of my week include:

Catching a good friend lying to me about her ex-boyfriend.. whom I had to have the cops follow because he is not only a HUGE lying sack of crap but an ex con with a violent past.. they apparently reconciled.

Another good friend got date raped and wont report it because she was drunk - when it happened. My sister has chosen to forgo looking for real relationships with people and spends all of her time online....yes I am noting the IRONY here..

One shining moment.. my son. I went to field day on Friday.. and he not only participate in every event but won 1 - 1st place ribbon and 3 - 3rd place ribbons.. I am sooooooooooo proud of the way he preformed and acted!

These past few weeks have been hell.. but I have taken something from it. I have wanted something to push me to change - I think this is it. I am hoping to do some research on a different career - I am trying now to not have this get to me.. I know I have done a LOUSEY job so far but I am a slow learner. I am trying to put into perspective what really matters and what doesn’t.

This too is a busy week. I have to start physical therapy, take a test so I can keep my teaching job, and my son has two diagnostic appointments. I will try to write when I can.. but understand it all requires energy and right now I have to save as much as I can.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said.. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” I am going to hold on to those words this week..

Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Conserve your energy! Take a break, rest your eyes, and take a swig of your favorite drink.

2006-03-15T22:32:00.000-05:00

Lights on .. no one home.

Howdy all,

Well I guess when you don't update regularly you don't get comments eh?
Thats ok.. I guess I know who my friends are..lol.

Things have been down right crazy.

Work got really wacked, nothing working.. then getting really sick going to the doctor .. in the doctors office my cell rang and I found out our federal auditors were coming and there went my weekends, nights, evening, days.. well you get the point. Good thing the call was after my blood pressure was taken.. it was back to MY normal.. 103/65.. my normal is 90/60.. just another quirk about me.. I have scared many a EMT..

So far the audit at work is going well.. and I hope will continue doing so. The auditor was impressed with the job I was doing and even told my boss that I needed to get rid of some of my other job responsibilities.. well we will see.

I had a nervous break down this past week.. sick from vertigo, fatigue, and fibro.. had push me to the limits.. when my husband called and told me he got fired.. I had to be releaved because I was about to have a room full of kids...Things are working out and he is working for himself as a freelance bookeeper..so far so good.. my mom is a cpa so he has work from a client for about 6 months.. then I hope more will come.. I am trying not to panic.

My husband turned 41 Monday.. my In-laws were over my new apt this past weekend.. more stress.. I was tired from working.. and dinner was terrible.. I was so out of it.. I dont really click with them.. and every time they finally decide to visit... which is about 3 times a year.. something is wrong with me.. so I try to ACT NORMAL.. because those who dont get sick dont understand.

I had a student have a seizure while testing this past week. Everyone said I handled it well. He collapsed right on the laptop computers while testing.. knocked the components right out of the machine.. hit his head and lip.. and generally scared the crap out of me.. I have dealt with this before but not for a while.. I talked to him and got everything away - I was apprehensive.. I have been hit before by a small woman seizing and this kid was BIG. It stuck with me for a while.. the image of him helpless bleeding from the mouth.. trying to help him.. kind put things into perspective.. imaging having no control over something like that...completely helpless.

One of my co-workers died this week from her battle with cancer. She was a really tough and stubborn person.. strong.. she lasted 5 years longer than the doctors gave her.. but in the end I know she was suffering.. so I am glad she is resting peacefully now. I dont handle death well. I will have a hard time going for her memorial.. if I do go. I couldn’t visit her - just too much for me to handle.

The meds have finally worn off and my good friend gave me a complement - that I seem happier more like myself.. I told her I feel good almost great one minute and then completely stupid the next.. but there have been more good days than bad ones lately.. I had to call someone the other day and no one was around to talk to because I was freaked out with all this stress going on - I was actually in a great mood.. I had two people bite my head off.. and I was signing to myself.. it was completely WACKED... and hysterical at the same time.

My sister has been very depressed again.. she wants life to come get her.. instead of her going to get life.. I had lunch today with an incredibly cute, soon to be divorced single father.. I am hoping to set her up if him being 8 years older isnt an issue.. ah to be 25 again.. er.. never mind.. I like where I am now.. I feel bad for her.. she keeps finding loosers and has given up into a virtual world.. and she stays there..she is smart, quick witted, pretty, a good singer, and a great writer.. but you know the creative types.. she is a little melodramatic and well she is stuck in a rut and I am tired of her doing nothing about it!!!.. If she could only make some friends with some positive people.. I think her attitude would change.. I have tried to get her to join some civic groups or singles stuff.. but it isnt really her.. I am so glad I am not single. I don't think I could handle the dating world... KUDOS to those who are doing it and doing it well.

Well I guess thats enough.. every day is a gift.. how are you spending yours?

2006-03-05T22:43:00.000-05:00

Ain't Broke yet but sure enough bending..

To borrow some Cowboy Troy here...Thats pretty much the way I feel right now..
All the stuff is moved in.. everyone has been paid: movers, power, cable, phone, internet, and alarm.. but I have not been feeling really well.. right before the move I started to react to it... and got sick. That sucked enough but I still had to help out with all the work and go to work and be a mom.. you get the picture..

As a result I am once again.. not on medication. I had another set back with a bad case of vertigo.. for those who don't know what that is like.. its when the world starts to move round and round.. without being drunk that is.. it sucks.. not much for that other than motion sickness meds.. which suck too because they just knock you out...

After all this drama I have decided to just stay off the damn pills.. I am sick of taking medicine.. and I really HATE when these things control me.. so right now I am not much company in person or online.. in the passing days.. the pain has become worse.. and my lovely mood swings become as active as a piece of recess equipment during playtime.. another confirmation on why I hate these pills.. but hey it could be worse I could be a rodeo clown..

You know its bad when the doctor runs out of pill names to throw at you. And the only one that ever worked is now off the market.. which is just as well because after only a few months I became dependant.. and thats not why I was prescribed it in the first place.. this is one of those if you took the pill when you are well it will make you sick kind of things..

So I am still living with boxes, pain, and now my own personal merry-go round.. well thats what it feels like if I tilt my head too much.. I have decided I am going to ask again for physical therapy and see if I can get off of this joy ride. I also have to make some REAL changes.. physically and mentally. I can not work anymore 10 hr days on a consistent basis.. its not good for me or my family... I can not get all worked up about work anymore.. I know what I am dealing with and I have to stop letting other people control me by upsetting me.. work is just work.. after 7.5hrs it will wait until tom.. I have to loose weight. This will be especially hard since every move is so painful right now.. I need to sleep.. I crash on the weekends being totally useless to my family due to my 3-5 hrs sleep a weeknight.. and working like a dog...this is not fair to them.. esp my son. My ex has not seen him since before thanksgiving, not that he really seems to miss him as much as his step brothers.. but the move although down the street moved him away from our next door neighbor and he has not taken it well.. I have not been able to do much with him because of my health.. On Sat's it is just me and the kids because my hubby has to work and when your only in your early 30's and have to rest every time you do anything it makes it really hard to be a parent. But it was worse when I was pregnant there was nothing out there on fibro patients who are pregnant.. it was a rough road.. thankfully over.

Thats the problem when you have both chronic fatigue and fibro.. which usually happens at the same time.. Pain is pain.. I can work through it most times.. med up when I can't take it but the fatigue is like fighting the ocean tide.. there is nothing to help you.. Thats bad enough but when people look at you.. because outward you look old, tired, and like something the cat threw up.. people's off the cuff comments can be cruel but their looks are unforgiving. I am of course my own worse critic.. I was picking up dinner one late night this weekend and caught my reflection in the mirror.. I was horrified at how old I looked.. and how awful it was.. I decided then its got to stop I need to seriously do something.

I know there are many other illnesses out there that deserve attention.. I mean I am not dying just feel like I was worked over by a meat tenderizer.. One of my co-workers is dying of cancer and now she is now released from hospice to carry out her final days.. living on morphine just to do so.. she is the one who needs the prayers and help.. I have not been able to see her... I have talked to her on the phone.. but I can't go visit.. My own selfish demons take over.. and being more unstable then normal.. I can't do it.. so as Tim sings.. "Live like you are dying"..

Each day is a gift.. how are you going to spend yours?

In Brief

2006-02-21T23:35:00.000-05:00

In Brief.

Some of the things that I have been thinking about but I have not had the time to write.

…I AM MOVING IN 4 DAYS. I am STILL NOT FINISHED PACKING.

…How many boxes it takes to pack all the crap you have collected of the years.

…How hard it is to part with unpractical items.

…I wish there was a magic spell that would allow friends to take over all your decision making power until you can think clearly, again.

…Why aren’t women’s clothing sizes all standard and meaningful?

…The power of a little girls squeal when she sees you for the first time that day when you pick her up after school.

…The healing power of butterfly kisses, big hugs, and I love you.

…How difficult it can be just doing everyday tasks. How much one can take for granted being able to just walk from a backspace in a parking lot to the store.

…When measuring time is counted by days between doctors appointments…

…Knowing when to keep soldering on, when to stand up for yourself, when to bite your tongue, when to move on.

…learning how to live in the moment instead of wasting time analyzing it.

…wondering when we stopped believing in the unicorns, the tooth fairy, the easter bunny, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, magic, and all things we really can’t see. And are we better people for not believing in them?

I see if I can elaborate on some of this at one point. Got to go now.

Later!
Diayah

2006-02-16T23:39:00.000-05:00

Another Day in Paradise.. OK Bri sorry for borrowing your catch phrase here.. but instead of saying how much working in Cambodia sucks.. I usually say this..Just another day in Paradise.. people usually laugh as the place I work in is only paradise in Hades. Where is it written that the moment you totally depend on someone to do their job is exactly 15 minutes before they totally drop the friggin ball? Today I started at 0600 having to do a walmart run for the school.. HEY Kirsten.. I started the day with DD!!!! A nice large one..lol. After dropping off a movie at Lackluster aka Blockbuster.. LATE of course.. I headed to work.. only to turn around 10 minutes later to go back home because.. DUH I forgot my laptop.. WOW I must have been TIRED... Then I went to work.. where I discovered I had to move all my crap AGAIN to another office.. this is common place for me.. my job title and location must change at least 3 times a year.. Somewhere in the scheme of life I pissed off Murphy.. and he declared martial law on my butt. Well about a half hour into moving I asked one of the secy if she had delivered all the paperwork needed for my kids who were going home.. her answer was NO. She didn't tell me it didn't get done. .and five minutes later the school was calling asking for it.. I had to rush around get all the things done.. when both copiers broke.. (I hope Murphy was having a great laugh) .. Being the techie I am I went to the fax and put it into copy mode.. got the paperwork copied and flew down to the school that is 11 miles away... Delivered and got everything signed and headed back to the main offices.. and was exhausted by 1030.. My goal was to leave at 1330.. I left at 1530 and had to go to another store for the school .. I picked up the kids.. went home.. and then had to go back to the market.. for paper stuff so I can pack my dishes..

OMG I move in 9 days and not one friggin thing is packed!!!!!!!!! Damn.

On the fibro front.. the med reduction is working.. My cold congestion and cough is finally going away. I almost felt good today.. but my stamina is terrible.. I am so weak that it is difficult to do much more than come home and just sit down. Sometimes I focus too much on the pain and not enough on the weakness.. there is absolutely nothing that can be given to you for it.. it is like a dead battery that will not charge no matter how long you have it plugged in. One of the hardest things about this illness is its unpredictability, I have tried going to bed earlier.. but I can't sleep.. other nights I hit the pillow and it feels like a minute later its time to get up to go to work and hours have passed by in a blink.. This is a hard few weeks for me because the doctor could not fit me in two week intervals.. My appointments are almost a month a part.. so my super B-12 shots will have to wait a few days..

Tomorrow I am hoping to get out earlier than normal and get something done.. if I have the energy... I got some advice from a former personal trainer that told me going on the treadmill is too much for me and I need to back off and start slower. Some very very light weights and a high number of reps are in order. I am going to start this out tom.. Hopefully...and maybe I can stick this back to this illness..

Well thats all for now.. behind the prison bars..lol...Hope everything is good and well with everyone.

I am still looking at those winds.. wondering what the message is there....

2006-02-13T23:08:00.000-05:00

NO MORE SCHOOL NO MORE E-BOOKS!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok well at least for 4 more weeks.. I did it.. sick for six weeks and finally passed this damn class.

I got a 90, which is an A-, but hell I thought I was a goner a few days ago when the work was piled high and my faith and health at basement bottom.

The next few weeks are going to be hell. I talked to the doc today and asked if there were other side effects from his latest bump. I became severely flu like right after the bump. There have been days I was so sick I couldn’t take the medicine. He told me to take the dose back down again… so in the roller coaster of emotions here I go again.. .Some times I stop and think what I am doing to myself.. and then I stop to think.. What.. AM I .. doing to myself.

There is no real reason for fibro. Some think its kind of like a post traumatic stress thing.. others believe it is a virus that wears you down... there are others who think fibro is a made up thing.. I ask them to live a life in my shoes... anytime.

I really hate taking these medications but I hate being sick.. more. I hate giving up control to something else. There are times when out of the blue I have an emotional reaction that I can not control. It is hard enough working in a mans line of work.. but having this ticking time bomb is at times unmanagable...but I am tired of being sick.

I have had person after person shy away from me.. 'cause they think what I have is contagious.. I made the mistake to go to services this sat.. something I use to love doing.. now like everything else .. is such an effort... I hate how everyone looked or treated me.. here is a hint.. if someone looks ill, wore out, tired.. don't tell them that’s how they look, or to cheer up and smile, it really pisses us off.. of course us.. is the chronically ill.. I guess I am the unofficial spokesperson of all who aren't well.. great title.. wonder what the perks are?

Anyways.. I am relieved that this class is over.. frustrated that this is the beginning of another grueling week... and exhausted because I have to start packing and move out of this apt in a few weeks..

I was surfing on the internet with the TV on in the background - drowning out the noise not really hearing it - when I hear this line.. when did life stop being fun and started being scary?

I can hear the winds.. I just don't know where their blowing..

2006-02-01T20:54:00.000-05:00

BRB...

Sorry guys but I have been really sick and very busy lately. This is the worst quarter of the year for me because it is school wide testing. I get the PLEASURE of waking up at 0520 and being at work at 0700.. then if I am lucky I get to maybe take a break at 1400 hrs.. no lunch no rest.. just keep testing.. until 1600 - 1700 hrs or so.. then race off to get kids.. do the family dinner.. homework.. thing.. then off to class do my homework.. then hopefully go to bed at 0200 to do it all again!

Add to that the strain of having no computer lab to test in.. I have a mobile lab.. the bad thing is I am the mobile part!! I have to use a group of laptops that I have to lug around, find a place to plug them in, hope the network or machines don't fail and get the lil darlins in for testing. So far I am not making the testing window. I have been out sick two days and I did not get a start on time because of connectivity issues.

HEY MIKE here's a lil hint.. wireless doesn't work in a prison! No matter how many ways I tried I just could not make the damn thing work.. to quote the late Mr. Scott.. "Captain, I'm giveiner all she's got. I've got her wired up like a Christmas tree".. yeah I know I am a techno dork.. but hey I make it look good.

My classes are killing me too.. I have gone 4 days with only a handful of hours worth of sleep. I got 1 hours last night.. which is why I had to take off today...if I drove I would be a menace to society.. but did not really get to rest.

I had much to do. I had to look for a new apt because mines going condo.. it sucks I really hate moving.. and the PRICES!! OMG.. I would like to personally thank all the Europeans and NY'ers for personally driving up the price of real-estate. Then I would like to smack all the polo people for personally driving up the cost of all the rentals... 1600 a month is the avg out here!! THEY ARE NUTS. After much work and for ONCE some luck on MY SIDE.

I found a 3/2 that is smaller than what I own and of course a tad bit more expensive.. but it was under 1300 a month. Anyways I can't rant too much it would drain the little energy I have left.

I have been really sick and dragging lately. I still don't feel like me and I am so stressed. Unlike some others.. SEAN... who can dream.. totally jealous by the way.. I don't. I do hear music in my head though.. I know its probably because I am completely delusional from no sleep.. its the new one from Van Zant.. I tried to find lyrics.. but I am too tired to look. I'll hopefully

C YA All soon, Later

2006-01-20T23:49:00.000-05:00

HERE'S TO THE TECHIES!!!!

I have had a miserable two weeks - tech wise.

I was trying to comizerate when I came across this website W.o.W. fire hazzards words of wisdom.

This one is for all the techies out there.. read, cry, laugh, and try to forget. Get lost in stargate or have a lord of the rings marathon.. go ahead.. you know you own it.

CyberLife Wisdom

Spelling inspected prior to transmission; any errors occured en route.

MADE WITH RECYCLED MATERIALS: This E-mail contains a minimum of 50% post-consumer electrons

Please notify me if you do not recieve this message.

Express E-mail; Dilivered at 186,000 miles per second!

The surest way to improve one's looks is to go into a chat room.

HONK if your keyboard has a horn!

Beat your head against the keyboard to continue

I'm not a 14 year old girl, but I play one on the internet.

There are only 10 kinds of people in this world; Those who know binary and those who don't.

For every function, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

I post therefore I am

Your computer may beat you in chess, but never in kickboxing!

This webpage has been brought to you by the number 1 and the number 0

This website looks best when viewed on CompanyTime

Notice: Webmaster carries less than $20 in cash

You have reached the end of the internet, please turn your browser around.

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Spank the keyboard to continue...

Kneel before me, for I am ROOT

Home Pages are like asses... Everyone has one but not everyone wants to see yours.

One of the best things to come out of the home computer revolution could be the general and widespread understanding of how severely limited logic really is. --Frank Herbert

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. --Pablo Picasso

Go away or else I will replace you with a very small shell script.

Will work for bandwidth

Got Root?

Time to Sleep

2006-01-18T00:27:00.000-05:00

Time to Sleep

Sorry I have not updated but I have been very tired. I went to the doctor and he decided on a med upgrade.. yep more pills.. yippy.

The great thing having fibromyalgia is you don’t know what the day will bring.. the bad thing with having fibromyalgia is people can’t see your sick. The other day I had someone tell me I was doing this to myself.. he I am all for being a sadomasochist but I only do that with guilt.. that’s the prerogative of being Jewish… we have the market on guilt.

I have decided to try this med upgrade as an alternative to being in full time constant pain because as the days passed by I realized I could not function like an overemotional hormonal teenage girl.. so I gave in and went with the dope up.

He only doubled the amount from 25 mg to 50 mg… the thing that sucks is now my body has to get used to the pills all over again. It takes a few weeks before I can find out if it works…so here we go again.. whoopee.

Falling asleep all the time for someone who rarely sleeps is kind of funny as long as it doesn’t happened when your driving, which it does happen but I try my best to stay awake. The worse time is the drive home after 4 PM because I used to call my husband and had him try to keep me awake as I drove. Now he works during that time so I am SOL right now.

The funniest time I fell asleep today while typing on the laptop.. I caught myself and did not hit it or the ground.. which is really great.

Being half asleep all the time may make me closer to dreaming.. who knows anything can happen. As I was in one of these half awake stages I heard a great song.. it had something to do with a guy who quit his job, threw his hard hat at the boss.. the chorus is something like you may tell me where I go but no one tells me what to do… I waited for the DJ to say who the song was by but as usual damned DJ didn’t say anything!! Gurrrrrrrrrr.. Hey Sean if your out there help me out.. I love that song.

I have been thinking a lot about what Sean has been writing about fear… and the power it has over us.. I have three people in my life currently waging a war with fear..

one is one of my best friends as she tries to figure out how the man she thought she knew could hurt her so badly.. now she is afraid to let go.. but she knows she has to.. the temptation to call him is so great .. she calls me now instead.. day or night. She needs to move on but she is afraid she can’t deal with the pain.. I know it sounds familiar and I am trying my best to help her take it day by day.

The other is my sister.. she is young, a great song writer, a singer with a very powerful voice.. she is looking for love and commitment in a world of one night stands.. she is out there looking for a prince.. in a land of frogs.. she is getting frustrated.. she wants a relationship, a family, but is afraid there is no one out there…

And then there is me. I have been thinking about what fear is driving me to hang on to this place I have grown up and called home my whole life. .I am not happy here, I want a home for my family, I want to work one job, pay the bills, groceries, and still have something left over.. pipe dream.. yeah I know. I know the key is learning to dream again. I don’t want to teach my kids to be complacent and take what life hands you.. that’s NOT me. But at the same time I have become so entangled with the rules of life I have forgotten how to live life lately. There was a quote I think the duchess of York used.. good little girls don’t write history… It is a saying that has somehow crept into my head lately.. More and more I can start to feel something telling me what I am doing is wrong.. but I can’t hear all the words yet.. if that makes sense.. everything I have learned in the past has paid off with the job I have today.. but something inside of me still screams a muffled drowned out cry.. this is not it.. this is not where your supposed to be…If there was just a way to hear what is being said.. then again it could just be the meds talking.

I guess as a kid I grew up too fast and didn’t live a kids life. My wings were clipped and after being told to keep my feet on the ground so many times.. I caved in and listened.
I have stood so long I have forgot how to fly..

We wait our whole childhood to shed the “rules” of life to become adults and “do what ever we wanted to do”.. then as adults we forget what it is we wanted to do!

I encourage my kids to dream every morning I wake my toddler daughter and open the blinds and tell her the whole world is out there and she needs to wake and come see it. My son tells me he wants to be spiderman, a police officer, a doctor and a jewelry designer… go big dreams.

Keep dreaming maybe if I am lucky it will rub off on me. As for me off to sleep I go waiting for the time dreams may come to me.

The Gloves are off. My turn to RANT.

2006-01-12T01:12:00.000-05:00

The Gloves are off. My turn to RANT.

Ok I know I said I would not post until Kirsten posted but I did hear from her through IM and she is ok but won't be back for a few weeks and I can't keep silent that long.

I am fuming.

The past several weeks have really sucked. Work, and School. I have been very stressed at HOME as well but not in a negative way just more irrational fears…which will be resolved as soon as a plane from California touches down tomorrow evening. I will dedicate this to WORK.

Some people are born know what they want to do in life, other people only have one talent or skill. Some are born into family business they take over as they get older, others run away seeking something new. Some people are good at nothing and just do whatever job they can find to get by, other people are good at everything they touch.

Then there is someone like me, with no clue, no direction, and no guidance. I am a professional college student majoring in everything at least once. I am good at the things I attempt but I always have this feeling I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am not happy, I hate my job most of the time, and the frustration has been growing like a summers afternoon thunderstorm.

For a better lack of a good description of what I do – I am a troubleshooter. I always end up in this role, no matter where I go. It has been this way since I was 13 when I started working for a paycheck outside of home.

I am a certified special education teacher working at a youth facility (nice word for prison) with secondary level boys. I started my “career” 10 years ago when I thought I would take this teaching aide job temporarily as I look for police departments to apply for. I worked my way up quickly from teacher’s aide, to bookkeeper, to behavior interventionist (its like a dean), to OJT (on the job training counselor), to computer lab instructor, to instructional technical support assistant, to teacher.

Right now I am the Tech Coordinator, Academic Improvement Plan coordinator, Transition Specialist, Entry and Exit Testing Coordinator, and School Improvement Chairperson. Sounds easy don’t it? Like I can sit on my rear all day and get paid for doing nothing (WHY can’t I ever find a job like that). The job I have is killing me. And considering my emotional state lately I have had it.

Why can’t I figure out what I want to do!!!!!!!!!!!.
I can sit others down and figure out what they want to do. But I can’t do that for myself. Each of the jobs I have held are fly by the seat of your pants, do everything that is expected of you even though you don’t have enough time or people or resources to do things kind of jobs. These jobs have chewed people up and sip them out and these were the tough people most others just quit no long into the positions.

I feel so lost. I am not afraid though I am just angry. And I am not sure who I am angry at but it is probably me.

Maybe I am making more out of this than it is but I wish I was good at just one thing. I am passionate about doing the best job I can, I am not a slacker, I am high strung, competitive, quick witted, and even sharper tongued. Yet all these “skills” don’t add up to anything.

Today I got so frustrated I just started jumping up and down screaming because I though I was going to throw something, (or someone) through a window. NOTE we don’t have windows only triple reinforced lexain.

Nothing at work has gone right since before x-mas break. Everything I have worked on, touched, or planned has gone to crap. I don’t want to get up to go to work anymore and I have never said that in my entire life.

Right now work has become impossible, impossible people, tasks, and deadlines. I feel like everyone is pointing at me going HOW COME THIS ISNT DONE.
Everyday I feel combative. There are so many holes in my tongue that I think it has been replaced by a slice of Swiss cheese.

SO WHY DON’T I JUST LEAVE.
Reason One: I work for a good boss, who is a great person, who is also one of my best friends. She is going through a lot of crap right now, I am her rock, the person she can count on and I can’t handle the thought of letting her down.

Reason Two: MONEY MONEY MONEY.

Reason Three: NO clue as to what in the heck I would go and do.

Sean talks about dreams, dreaming big, chasing them, catching them, living them. I am so freaking JELIOUS. I almost remember being able to dream. ALMOST.

BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW. It was like that part of me died and it is the thing I have always tried to find. I look inside and I don’t see hope I see anger. I don’t see dreams it is just dark, black, and void.

I have tried talking to people, taking tests, trying new things, I don’t have a hobby, unless being a vindictive bitch counts, and even then I am now a reformed vindictive bitch. So what am I left with!!! Other suggestions are: what brings me happiness? – JOB WISE NOTHING. I am bitter and I hate it.

SO CHANGE AND STOP BITCHING. NO problem if someone can just tell me HOW. With the four hours I have left over from the day of working 8 – 12 hours a day, taking care of the family and going to school. These are the 4 hours in which I sometimes reserve for sleeping!!!!

I am the type of person who fixes things not complains about them but this problem is soooooooooo beyond me. I have been fighting it for 15 years with no solution. WHY IS THIS SO HARD! I MAKE ALL SIMPLE THINGS HARD.

I feel like I have failed in life because I can’t figure out what I want to do with it and it is passing me by. I am so tired of trying to run after a vague feeling of what is supposed to be.

I feel like something is out there just beyond my grasp and I can’t feel it or touch it yet I know its there.. and it is the answer. I feel like a car that can’t get out of gear whose wheels are trapped and spinning wildly.

I used to term myself as a realist - I wasn’t an optimist and I wasn’t a pessimist.
Now I am nothing. Just there, I guess would be a better term.

Since where on the quote thing here is one that is an example of ME:

Is the glass half full or half empty? WHO CARES!!
Just fill it with something useful and DRINK IT – Bruce Lee.

2006-01-04T23:29:00.000-05:00

Ode to Kirsten

I promised Kirsten a new post so I dedicate this one to her!! My lil online friend.

Ode to Kirsten and Caffeine

When daybreak rises with its happy perky sounds.. Kirsten just stomps, stomps, stomps on the ground..

Make way for her as she passes the kitchen or you will hear some mighty bitchin! In a daze far worse than any hazy..

The quest begins for caffeination is proclaimed!

She begins to get all primal.... grunting, hunting,....searching for that little plastic ring ....that hold the promise of salvation..... a pair of her own car keys.

Clumsily, she stumbles to the automobile ….
she drives not by sight…. but by FEEL!

To find a place where she can heal.. the grogginess of the morning paces............

Oh pity the poor soul who encounters….. the decaffeinated hollow shell...
that forms the Kirsten we know so well..

You would not invade a grizzly's lair… so stay away from Kirsten's glare..
For before her caffeine has been ingested… stay away do not be tested!

Tread lightly for danger is near..
or you could get a good, swift, kick in the rear!

She rounds the corner just in time…
to get in the long drive thru line..

She doesn't need to make a sound..
The coffee cup is abound..

The dunkin’ crew knows what to do….they fill her cup and say .. NOW SHOO.

The holy grail is lifted up ….full of the coffee she loves so much..

One big sip….. its almost there…….. she can taste it in the air...

Kirsten is once again refreshed with Dunkin’ Doughnuts very best..

This moment is savored and she reflects…..there are 4 more dunkin trips in the day left..

With giddy and glee..... and punch in her step....... she drives away..... feeling blessed!

GOOD MORNING KIRSTEN!!!!!
Hope you have a fully caffenated day!!!

Love your friend - D.

2005-12-28T23:08:00.000-05:00

Concrete Shoes.

Today was one of those days they warn you about. In the weave of the ebb of flow of good and bad days.. today was bad. I know I am not allowed to post a depressing post...but I consider this more cathartic and informative. I know what a toy who is on the verge of having their batteries die - feels like. It is a sickening feeling like your spirit is draining out of you - a kin to what a draining waterbed would feel like. I have been lucky the past few weeks because the pain has taken a back seat - due to the meds. But the funny thing with Fibromyalgia is it is not predictable. Today my number was up but by luck I had a prescheduled drs appointment...and so a comfy B12 shot was waiting for me.

I was looking up Fibromyalgia on the internet and read what it feels like to have it. The basic description for the pain was it feels like you have a bad case of the flu all the time, or how you feel the day after an intense workout. They add some more information about how fibro can cause a burning sensation and how depression can onset because your not getting restorative sleep and your depleting serotonin levels. It also mentions most of us are sensitive to light, (check), sensitive to medications, (check), restless leg syndrome (this is where you feel like you have to move your legs a lot it is annoying like your legs are asleep but you feel all the sensations), (check), and the most fun of all Fibro Fog, (When you can't remember or recall simple things you should know but don't), (double check).

I like to describe the pain symptoms as being dipped in concrete and then set on fire with a blow torch. As I have mentioned before the meds to treat it can be as bad as the pain.. anti-depressants.. yuck! Although compared to someone who is on them for depression I take a micro dose. Yet I get to experience all the joy of the side effects: moodiness, extreme emotional outbursts, and yes depression! Why would a pill that is used to treat depression cause depression?!?

As for the other things I can cope, I always wear sunglasses so I can actually see, I don't like taking meds so it usually doesn’t effect me, I have cut down in salt which has reduced the restless leg syndrome. The Fibro Fog can get pretty bad especially when I get so sleep deprived... other than writing cue cards for the stupid things I forget I have not coped with that one.. of course if I could remember what to write I would not need the cue cards, would I?

The thing I hate is the lack of understanding and compassion.. most people view this as an imaginary problem kind of like hypochondriac plot. Some people with Fibro are so devastated by this illness they cannot work or function. When I went through my first long bout with this illness I was working a full time job, part time job, going to school full time, and I was a single parent... yet people still though I was weak because I would struggle getting up out of a chair, I couldn’t open up a bag, or hold my pencil correctly, or had trouble typing. I learned to toughen up, I stopped talking about my pain and difficulties, I would force myself to move with ease no matter how badly it hurt, I would often cry all the way home because the pain was so intense, and I could bluff well, and I can still intimidate walking down the hall and fake the bad ass attitude. Although I admit it is getting harder with each passing year to maintain this facade.

The second is the fact I am usually a lot younger than most people diagnosed with Fibro.. I am only 32 I was diagnosed at 25 after my son was born.. I have had it long than that probably born with it because I always remember the pain that shoots down my legs. People look at me and don’t understand how someone so young can have so many problems.. I try to tell them they are all related and all from the same cause but the illness is so new there is no pinpoint cause or cure.

The third is sometimes I feel robbed.. I should be in the prime of my life and I feel like it has come and gone and left me on the side of the road going "huh?". I try not to engage in self-pity many people in this life have it worse than I. I am lucky to have a wonderful and compassionate husband who really tries to understand and help me out, but he still will never understand what I am going though, only someone who has this understands this.. I have two beautiful children.. don't know if I will make it to have number 3 especially when numbers one and twos pregnancy is still way too fresh in my mind!! My son is becoming a compassionate, loving, and caring child.. Although only 6 yrs old he does his best to support and encourage his mama....(side note.. there is something left on a sons personality when he has a close strong relationship with his mother.. I can usually tell the men who are raised by their mothers because their is something special about them.. they are the passionate, compassionate, and usually stubborn as all hell people of the world.. it just so happens my hubby is one of those people too.. and I am proud my son it following his footsteps..) As I have said I have it easier this time I have a partner and I am not alone.. I also have a very close friend who is going through the same thing. .. she has fibro and lupus... so she understands.. it also helps she is my boss so when one of those bad days rears its ugly head so knows how to deal with me!

My greatest fear is that my children get this illness.. although not common in boys/men it can happen.. my daughter is still a young toddler so she is too young to have these aliments. There is no evidence that Fibro is genetic the running theory is a virus or trauma that triggers the aliment.

I found a poem that is the closest to a good description of what my so called life can be like:

MY NAME IS FIBROMYALGIA by Terri BeenHi....My Name is Fibromyalgia, and I'm an Invisible Chronic Illness. I am now velcroed to you for life. Others around you can't see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me. I can attack you anywhere and anyhow I please. I can cause severe pain or, if I'm in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over. Remember when you and Energy ran around together and had fun? I took Energy from you, and gave you Exhaustion. Try to have fun now! I also took Good Sleep from you and, in its place, gave you Brain Fog. I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal. Oh, yeah, I can make you feel anxious or depressed, too. If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away, too. You didn't ask for me. I chose you for various reasons: That virus you had that you never recovered from, or that car accident, or maybe it was the years of abuse and trauma. Well, anyway, I'm here to stay! I hear you're going to see a doctor who can get rid of me. I'm rolling on the floor, laughing. Just try. You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively. You will be put on pain pills, sleeping pills, energy pills, told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given a TENs unit, get massaged, told if you just sleep and exercise properly I will go away, told to think positively, poked, prodded, and MOST OF ALL, not taken as seriously as you feel when you cry to the doctor how debilitating life is every day. Your family, friends and coworkers will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and that I'm a debilitating disease. Some of they will say things like "Oh, you are just having a bad day" or" Well, remember, you can't do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago", not hearing that you said 20 DAYS ago. Some will just start talking behind your back, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make them understand, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with a "Normal" person, and can't remember what you were going to say next !In closing, (I was hoping that I kept this part a secret), but I guess you already found out...the ONLY place you will get any support and understanding in dealing with me is with Other People With Fibromyalgia.

Of course the pain of the day can sometimes be erased by an event like my baby girls smile or like today her first kiss and wave goodbye.. all the more reason to keep fighting like hell and show this disease who is boss!

2005-12-26T23:56:00.000-05:00

Channukah Night 2.

Ok so I was a little jealous about Sean's post on X-mas. Oh yeah I am not supposed to mention him on my blog just comment about him.. lol.. oh well.. I guess the ban is lifted.

Well Chanukah is anti climatic when it falls on x-mas. I don't know how much you know about the Jewish religon but it is concidered a minor holiday... Here is a quick history lesson.. god the teacher in me is soooooooooo annyoing sometimes.

Chanukah, the Jewish festival of rededication, also known as the festival of lights, is an eight day festival beginning on the 25th day of the Jewish month of Kislev. This year it was on Christmas.
Chanukah is probably one of the best known Jewish holidays, not because of any great religious significance, but because of its proximity to Christmas. Many non-Jews (and even many assimilated Jews!) think of this holiday as the Jewish Christmas, adopting many of the Christmas customs, such as elaborate gift-giving and decoration.

The story of Chanukah begins in the reign of Alexander the Great. Alexander conquered Syria, Egypt, and Palestine, but allowed the lands under his control to continue observing their own religions and retain a certain degree of autonomy. Under this relatively benevolent rule, many Jews assimilated much of their culture, adopting the language, the customs, the dress, etc., in much the same way that Jews in America today blend into the secular American society.
More than a century later, a successor of Alexander, Antiochus IV was in control of the region. He began to oppress the Jews severely, placing one of his priest in the Temple, massacring Jews, prohibiting the practice of the Jewish religion, and desecrating the Temple by requiring the sacrifice of pigs (a non-kosher animal) on the altar. Two groups opposed Antiochus: a basically nationalistic group led by Mattathias the Hasmonean and his son Judah Maccabee, and a religious traditionalist group known as the Chasidim, the forerunners of the Pharisees (no direct connection to the modern movement known as Chasidism). They joined forces in a revolt against both the assimilation of the Hellenistic Jews and oppression by the Selucid Greek government. The revolution succeeded and the Temple was rededicated.

According to tradition as recorded in the Talmud, at the time of the rededication, there was very little oil left that had not been defiled by the Greeks. Oil was needed for the menorah(candelabrum) in the Temple, which was supposed to burn throughout the night every night. There was only enough oil to burn for one day, yet miraculously, it burned for eight days. An eight day festival was declared to commemorate this miracle. Note that the holiday commemorates the miracle of the oil, not the military victory: Jews do not glorify war.Chanukah is not a very important religious holiday.

OK now that your all asleep I won't go into just how and why and what blessings are used.. I think anyone who was reading is now sleeping.

In my house I have the presents laid under my winter solstice tree next to my menorah. After we light candles and butcher the prayers if I even attempt them.. we eat something fried.. or at least my kids do.. I love latkes which are potato pancakes and very very yummy if you have never tried them.. especially with sour cream.. yum.. very low cal NOT.

I torture my son by letting him see all his presents and choosing just one.. no matter how many times he begs me to let him dive in.. so every sundown he is after me to light the candles and get to his present.. he does not know much about Chanukah yet but he is remember some.. then we try to play dreidels and eat gelt which are chocolate coins. Since he got the fantastic 4 we watched it together..

Not the emotional tug at your heart story of x-mas.. Chanukah is like an after thought for non jews.. there was an article in the paper about Christmasica.. the blend of Christmas and Chanukah for those who are slow on the uptake.. My in-laws celebrate this, to which I roll my eyes.. My family calls it Chan-is-mah.. I almost fell off the couch when I saw Radio Shack actually have a kid asking his dad for a robot kit for Chanukah.. we have come a long way. Maybe next year the Chanukah decorations will be two shelves in the back of all the x-mas stuff in Target!

So to sum it up it is all about food, family, and surprises.. as I look at my blue and white lights, my menorah, and the foil dreidels hanging from my ceiling draping the entrance of my apt.. the smells of fried potatoes, and chicken soup wafting from the kitchen.. as not a creature was stiring, not even a mouse..

Happy 2nd night everyone.. 2 down.. 6 to go.. go light a candle, play some Adam Sandler.. and eat a chocolate coin.

2005-12-21T21:05:00.000-05:00

Deal or No Deal

I decided to do a post that has nothing to do with X-mas, or relationships. Something mind numbing..

TV

What would you do?
There is a new show called Deal or No Deal..

It is like millionaire, except it has nothing to do with being smart.. and all to do with how big your brass ones are..

It is lit dramatic, same kind of music, and well.. definite sex appeal.. good looking models with silver cases.

Anyway.. the object of the game is to get the most money.. You pick one case out of 26.. I think.. and hold on to it.. then you have to open the other 25. It is done 5 at a time for a few rounds, then 4, then 3, then 1.. After each round a “banker” offers to buy back your case…you have to decide whether to deal or no deal the amount…the deals get better as you eliminate the lower amounts…or the deals go down as you reveal large amounts of money..

In the premiere show there a second contestant really struck me.. she was a normal working mom.. she was like us a working stiff.. who knows the value of money...with her hubby and her parents at the show….at first it didn’t look good for her.. she started off uncovering really large dollar amounts.. but she persevered. ..she kept going strong until the 125,000 offer mark she and her family were crying and distraught on what to do.. you can tell she was not the normally an adventurer or a risk taker.. her parents wanted her to keep going.. she chose 8 her dad’s lucky number..(how do you get a lucky number?)..anyways her hubby was nervous and wanted her to stop…she didn’t and the next number was high.. and her offer went down by a few grand..to 121,000. ..they were devastated.. but she didn’t give up.

She rejected it even though her husband was obviously not pleased, he supported her.. (I wondered if she ended up with 10 dollars what a LONG drive home that would be!)...she opened up another low number and the "banker" came back with 201,000.. she had 3 cases left one for 10, 5,000 and one for the million.. What would you do?.. My husband and I start screaming at the TV.. Take it.. Take it.. while the studio audience was shouting No Deal, No Deal, No Deal..

This is where the show was cruel.. they let her young daughters call the show and Howie explained to them.. what the mother had won and what she was going for.. 8 was the number of her case.. the next one she would have taken was #25... I said would have because she took the 201,000 and it was a good thing.. it was another low number and the bank would have offered her ½ a mill.. 2 cases left one with 10 one with the million dollars.. They opened her case and inside was a 1 and a 0.. she had the 10 dollars and made the right deal..

I am intrigued by these kind of shows.. Thumbing your hand at fate! Though I abhor reality TV..... at what point do you stop and think how much money your throwing away?.. What that can do for your life?.. and your family?... When do the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.. When do you give up your dream and face reality..

This question will have relevance in a later post.

2005-12-20T22:46:00.000-05:00

BACK by POPULAR demand

OK so I am tagged.. hummm.. weird habbits..this is like deep thoughs.. short and shallow.

1. OK.. I am a talker.. but I guess what one could consider wierd would be I keep talking even if I have to go to the bathroom.. this in its self may not be strange.. but I was talking with the computer.. yep I was IM'in Kristen.. while going potty..

2. I am the antithesis of the picture of neatness.. but I have to have my work area organized.. of course my organization system.. may at times look like a paper mill threw up but I know where everything is! It amazes people.

3. I come off as a tough gal.. but I am deathly afraid of roaches.. I can't even kill them.. I run like a little girl screaming.

4. I am an extream multi-tasker, I have to do five things at once.. watch tv, talk, do home work, cook.. etc... I get bored and distracted easily.. and I can't really pay attention.. I guess I have ADD.. but I think of it as ODD.. Oppositional Defiant Disorder.. which just means.. I dont like following orders.. it is a real disorder..lol.. I hear it used all the time.

5. It took me a painfuly long time to come up with this list! Is that weird??I am weird.. so what I do seems normal.. I am really good at disin myself and others..In fact I think if put downs were a sport I would win a gold medal in cracking on myself..

Anyways since I can not crack on he who can not be named because I put a ban on mentioning his name.. I am at a loss for topic also I had another Earth shattering crappy day.. so I am not in a reflective mood...more of a where in the world can Diayah go kinda mood.. (dont go for the easy dis there.. he who should not be named.. )

Well I am trying to remember how to dream .. then I will try to dream big.. as someone would say.. I have been weighing options.. but I have to be awake to do that.. so I bid you goodnight...Let the weirdness begin!

2005-12-15T22:24:00.000-05:00

New names for Sean...Day 2 of writers block gallore.. so much for my "A" average.

Ok since I am still out of ideas for cute, yet annoying or embarrassing nick names for our friend Sean I am turning to my blog friends for help.

Oh how does one capture the essence that is young Sean Patrick Moore.. hummm.. capture...now that was a weird thought.. lol.. I guess Kristen is having an influence on me!

Switching gears.. I think I am becoming a yuppie.. yes I admit I until a few weeks ago paid 3 dollars for yummy starbucks latte.. but now I have to confess... and they may take away my redneck country club membership away for this.. but I might go talk to a life coach..
eeek.. what have I become.. I spent my life.. sticking it to the institution.. and now I am joining it..
oh well.. I am an antidistablishmentarian .. so I guess I can't really join anything.

Today is day 3 of feeling almost human.. now I have to do something about it. I promised myself I would start exercising again when the pain subsided. With my schedule it is soo hard to do. Part of me is afraid and part of me knows no fear. I have been in real conflict on what I want to do with my life.. I guess an early mid life crisis.. of sorts.. I am not sure if you are allowed to have a midlife crisis at 32. ..Unlike some of our friends here.. I have not followed my dreams...and lately I guess I feel like I cheated myself. Recently I have reestablished my relationship with my sister.. she is 7 years younger..and it is interesting to see the world though her eyes.. when dreams are still fresh and young and life's setbacks have not kicked you hard in the ass yet. Ah youth is wasted on the young but it is invigorating to see them dream the big dream... My sister wants to be a professional singer.. she has a nice voice but I think her niche would be writing but she concentrates on the singing more.. I used to sing once too but I lost the source of my voice so very long ago..

Anyway let me get off this subject.. back to the subject at hand.. embarrassing names.. how about steel bun boy.. or stud muffin cake.. nah too common place.. SPM .. hummm.. if you jumble the letters they spell PMS.. hey how about that! Yeah I am a bitch aren't I ?

2005-12-14T23:02:00.000-05:00

Doctors know best???

Ok after a llllllllllllooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg day of pushing paper, meeting impossible deadlines, and getting more and more and more work dumped on me I battled traffic and showed up at the doctors office at 6:30 PM for my 5:00 PM appointment. Now let me explain at my doctor that meant I was right on time. He, like me, is Jewish and just like the Spanish, (to which I am also derived from) we are always NOTORIOUSLY late. So needless to say I am never on time for anything. It drives my husband nuts..Anyway, I still had to wait a half hour so I did not get into actually see him until 7PM. UGGH so much for being home or actually eating dinner tonight!

I digress.. my pressure was good (for me) 108/65 my normal is 90/60 yeah I have freaked out many a paramedic. The doctor again had a hard time being a vampire (what I call taking blood). Two sticks with a needle not bad, (my personal record is 9 and that was at a hospital!!) He tried to accuse me of not drinking enough water. I stopped him cold. I have never made so many trips to the head!! I had to go so often people started looking for me there!!! How embarrassing!! My co-workers have no couth. I know I have been drinking water I kept tripping on all those little sport pack bottles. It was making me sick to my stomach but on the positive I was not hungry either.

We went on the conversation of meds. He listened to my generic may not be the same theory - intently. I mean when have you bought something generic that was as good as the real thing?? For example Rice Crispies are much better then the Rice Cereal, Tonka trucks last forever but Walgreen’s brand will last the day if you lucky!, Coke is way better than Pepsi, (sorry I could not resist!). Well money will be the answer here because if the name brand med is too expensive I will stick it out on what I am taking until I think it is dangerous. You know seeing spots, arguing with the voices in my head and loosing.. that kind of thing. So far so good except for being a little moody, irritable, and impatient I think it will be alright. I just need to remember all that anger management training I had to endure!

Overall the doctor seems to be right dehydrating your body all day with caffeine is not good. I have limited it to one full can a day. Although I may open up 3 I never finish them. As long as I drink more water than coke I am good. I did try Java Joe Water but I did not like the taste. Oh caffeine why are you so good and so evil.. ok a discussion Just is sure to pick up on!!

Ok enough about all this boring medical crap. Would that be called Bio waste? I don't know. I say lets play a new game.. because I miss our favorite target, I mean friend, Sean. I say lets play ...

WHERE IN THE WORLD IS SEAN MOORE.. you know what they say fiction is way more exciting than reality.. so lets make up a place and a job for Seany. Oh god I must be BORED. Actually I have a bad case of writers block with a health dose of I am too tired to read more analytical BS.

Ok I am going to go first.. (advantage of being the writer of the blog!) hummmmmmmm....
He is in Japan as a Geisha.. wouldn't he look cute with a kimono serving noodles to the prime minister and following up with a drag show.. lol.. yeah that’s it..

Ok who is next?

2005-12-14T00:11:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note........LAAAAAAA....(clearing throat).

Ok, I do not have much time to write tonight I am darn tired because I have been averaging 4 hours sleep between, work, school, home and such.

I am pissed off though, I just found out after 3 weeks with no answer from my instructor and my university when my last 4 assignments were due. Guess when.. TONIGHT. I am still in a class and there has been no way to finish them. My last class got cut short thanks to hurricane wilma. Well I do not think it is fair to give me last second to turn in 4 assignments two of which are 700 - 1200 word papers. I don't know how I am going to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways I am so tired that my eyes are burning and I am too tired to turn off the TV. Unfortunately it is on Jimmy Kimmel and I can find the remote. I actually think that Jimmy Kimmel is more lame tired then awake....boy they will give anyone a late night tv show!!!!!!!! Lets nominate someone else to take his place.. suggestions anyone?? Wonder if Sean will turn up taking his place?? lol .. .I think I would rather watch the static channel than this but it is like a horrible car accident you can't help but watch until you get sick or asked to move along!!!!

Boy I have not seen TV go this low in a long time he even butchered 2 punch lines. Does he write his own stuff????Or does he steal it from elementry school kids!

OK I HAVE HAD ENOUGH they are doing a expose on KROD with AUNT CHIPPY I cant take it.. off goes the TV and off I go to bed for my worthless 4 hours of rest before the day begins again....Tomorrow the day of truth.. the DR's .. oh what fun!!!! Hopefully he will be able to draw blood because I have been drinking water like a fountain!!!

Hope everyone has a good day. I am hoping to beat Big Red's blog.. gosh 4 comments for 6 words...so post away.. I have a fragile ego..lol.

I have to find inspiring words of wisdom to end this with.. but since I can't think of one I will find one out there somewhere.. so good night America or the four people who read my blog...which ever comes first!!!!

2005-12-08T22:33:00.000-05:00

Deep thoughts from a wading pool.

In the spirit of the season, which is a time of reflection, I have been well.. reflecting. (Like I said wading pool of though going on here).

I have reached an early New Years Resolution. I am going to take my life in a different direction. I have not fully formulated this yet but from listening to several people I know, I have reached one conclusion: I am going in the wrong direction. This is all work stuff not family. My family is the only thing that has kept me in the relative plane of existence we call sane. No this has to do with find out what you really want to be when you grow up, when your already grown up. I have never had it all.. work, family, friends. I always had one but not the others.. they seem to cycle and just miss each other...

I am a tough, some may say aggravating, cookie. I am a strong, opinionated, intimidating person. I have been told I wear my heart on my sleeve, I have always hated that saying. I have tremendously mellowed with "old" age, but that Latina / Russian bloodline courses though my veins and when I get ticked off you better run for cover. I can still give a threatening look without a word and have people back up and run. I did it today. I was once told by a former boss I have the ability to broadcast my emotions without saying a word. Once he tried to write me up for it but he could not put down into words what I did exactly. It is funny how the world works because that guy became one of my best friends.

I say, "I don't care", to these people I offend but I really do to a degree. I play like I like being feared, but what does fear really get you? I have seen people lead with kindness, intimidation, political clout, fairness, and fear. Let me tell you fear was the most effective but least pleasant working environment. The ones who lead in fairness, kindness, or friendship got burned out quick. The one who lead with blatant intimidation was demoted so it was not effective either.. but I digress.. as this was not the road I was taking.

The point is I am not easy to get along with. I think I expect too much of people. I expect common curtsey, decency, and respect. I expect people to keep their word and their promises. I expect people to say when they have screwed up and try to learn from it. Like I said I do not have many friends. I am the person you can call at any hour with any problem and I stop to help. I give my last dollar if your in need. If I can't help you out, I find someone who can. All I ask is not to lie, ignore, disrespect, condescend, or belittle. Like I said I think I am asking too much of people. This strange revelation is brought about from the increasingly stressful job I currently hold.

Every time I have had to rely on someone these past few months, they have let me down 10 fold. I am not the kind of person who readily asks for help and the previous reason is why I don't. I will work my ass off, (I wish I could really do that!) before I ask someone else to take on a responsibility. Like I said I am a real witch.

Well today the person who was supposed to help me out lied, another person who came out to consult on a project belittled me and spoke condescending to me, and others who I work "with" just plain lack any kind of professionalism and will gossip and tell stories about each other. This has increasingly upset me. I already graduated high school, I have been there and done that!

The point is I want to change. And the change agent begins with a catch 22 situation. I have not been myself lately. Something that not many people know about me, is my pain disorder. They just think I am wimpy, or working too much, when they see me literally drag my butt in to work, they don't understand.

Living is constant pain, well, sucks, (told you this was a deep pool of thought), it grinds on you. Great news is there is a solution, one I reluctantly gave into.
MEDS!! AHHHHH {{{{HALLEULAH}}}{{{{HALLEULAH}}}---screeching halt.

The meds can have some side effects.. ah, who cares if your not in pain you can deal, right? YES. er. NO. I have to make a decision. Be in pain or be A pain. You see the meds alter your mood. The kick ass take no names, shoot them all, let god sort them out, fireball of a chick is fading into a negative, emotional, depressed, sorry excuse for a person. So I have to choose if I am going to continue with this treatment. ....Funny thing is I have been in denial for about a month. I knew this was happening but the power of persuasion, especially self-persuasion is amazing!

My drive, my passion is what makes me, ME. I can not claim to be pretty, smart, (though people think I am), or funny. I am driven. I get up, I keep going. Ok I have to stop a sec here.. during all my ramblings I realize you have no idea what I do. And this is a mitigating factor in all of this.

What I do "for a living": I am a teacher, at a juvenile justice facility for high risk, male, youth. The majority are sex offenders, but we have your garden variety - drug, property, and violent offenders too, there ages 12 to 19. I have been doing this for 3 years, but before that I was breaking up fights, responding to crisis calls, and making behavior contracts at an alternative education middle and high school for 7 years. The kind of place that chews up and spits out young college grads who think they know it all and can save the world. After 10 years in the biz, I am tired. I see all the flaws with the most perfect system we can come up with. I have seen the system fail time and time, and time, and time, again and I have learned to adapt and fight it when I can. But I have reached the conclusion that I am now an over glorified paper pusher. I am ineffective.

I am a very competitive person, something I don't think I mentioned. I will not play a game I know I can't win and I rarely give up on something. I can not handle being ineffective. It is not an option. I have come to the conclusion that it is time for a change. Now for the fun part. I have no earthly idea what that change is but I actually started down the road today.

My current boss is one of my best friends. This is both a blessing and a curse. She and I have gone though a lot together in 3 years. We have a lot in common, including my pain disorder. She and I both work insane hours against a tide of impossible tasks that come our way. But today, for the first time, I told her - I had enough. This is a person I have never been able to say NO to when she asks me to do a 17th thing when she knows I am still doing all 16 things she has given me at the same time. She started with her feelings of frustration but I stopped her and I told her this was her career choice, not mine. She was very taken back. I finally told her the only reason I am still at this job is because I don't want to abandon HER. She has been though so much with poor health, a divorce, a very bad boyfriend choice; I did not want to leave her and abandon her too. But I can't do my job anymore.

Each year the demands increase, the help decreases, and my health declines. She was flattered that I stay because of her and I told her I was not making any sudden changes, but this is not my place in life anymore. She asked the question I have asked for years now, what are you going to do? I DON'T KNOW. Is my answer.

So I am in search for the road not taken.. that’s the last part of my pre-new year's resolution. All of the stuff I talked about play factors into this decision. I apparently need to make friends, find hobbies, and stuff that makes me excited? other than sleep, I am very excited if I get more than 4.5 hours of sleep! But apparently that does not count.

So I need to explore and search this holiday break, while I go to school, take care of the youngins, and spread all that holiday cheer! So "Just Me" this is not a depressing post!!!! Just one of options!!...I'm looking for the road not taken. This is going to involve a lot of work and I have to really count on myself and you guys!!!

So while I am on my "journey", which might as well be to another planet, I will look for the road signs of life, all while trying not to be a speed bump on the highway of inaction.

2005-12-05T21:55:00.000-05:00

Damn Server

For some reason I can not access my blog to see it but I can post a new comment. That makes sense.

I am having a rough start to the week anyway. I have become a victim of the flu bug or stomach virus or something because I have been sick as all hell. The bad thing with Fibro is the pain is twice as bad as it should be. It is a shame to be in your early 30's and feel as though your in your late 80's. I know some senior's who have more spry in their step then I.

Anyway since I am forbbeden to write anything depressing, thanks guys! I will just have to keep my hopes up for a speedy recovery.

Something I have been thinking about is if my job is worth all of this. I have a stress related illness and well my job is just a bundle of stress. The money is too good to quit but I begin to wonder what is the real cost of working there. Couple that with my apt is going condo and I am going to have to find a new place to live and uggh I am not sure I really want to move again.

I have two friends who have just up and left to other parts of the country NY and Mass. They went there found a good paying job, good place to live, and did so without knowing anyone where they were moving too. I do not think I am that brave. I have been born, lived, schooled in the same place all my life. I think I am too scared to really leave, but if has made me wonder..humm..Since I don't really travel I don't know what is out there?

2005-12-04T01:22:00.000-05:00

Christmas, where art thou..

Ok, I read something disturbing. People are getting sooooooooooo Politically Correct that basically everything related to any winter holiday is outlawed or dramatically renamed. Winter break.. since when does winter need a rest!! Now I know this has been on its way for a long time....but come on how do we teach tolerance if we hide from every opportunity to do so!

I am one of the most cultural diverse people, I am a Spanish, Christian, Russian, Jew. My mom's side the Spanish/Christain side, my dad the Russian/Jew. As a child I celebrated both. Good for me 7 days of presents plus Christmas, oh yeah being a mutt has its advantages!

Back to my point, instead of eliminating every celebration in schools, community offices, sporting events, etc why not celebrate everything! Bring on Ramadan, Kwanzaa , Hanukkah, Three Kings Day, Christmas, why do we have to choose? Why do we have to outlaw everything, why are we an all or nothing society! Put up a tree, light a Hanukkia (Hanukkah) or a Kinara (Kwanzaa), fill your shoes with hay (Día de los Reyes or Three Kings Day) give gifts, love, and knowledge! Teach tolerance everyday not just in school.

As a Jewish person, and please don't use me as the example for the typical Jew, because I am not!, (a story for another blog) I learned other peoples religions. I find other cultures fascinating. I know I grow up in a predominately Christian society - if you need evidence just look for Hanukkah decorations at any store. It is the one shelf in located at the end of the isles and isles of Christmas stuff. But that’s ok. I think when we don't show our children the other things out there we give this silent signal that its wrong! I have a tree, I have lights, and my children have visited Santa. It does not make me less of a Jew. The "Christmas" tree originally had nothing to do with Christmas. It actually was Norwegian roots, a pagan history, and first used by the Germans for Christmas.

All the holidays have lights in common because winter is symbolized as a dead and desolate time and evergreens, yules, and holly symbolized life. Lighting the tree began as the celebration of the winter solstice. Although, the religions have different views of God they all have a positive message. The main thing is no matter what the religion this is a time for love, happiness, reflection, family, good deeds and good will towards man...if you lucky it involves gifts and tons and tons of food too. Call it what you want to just don't outlaw it.

2005-12-01T22:54:00.000-05:00

Part 3 Truth, concequence, and happiness.

Its not just me.. the words echoed. Its not just me. Its not just me... because I she is carrying my baby. The words cut me to the core. My gaze left him.. I stared at my toddler son sleeping so peaceful. I felt nothing. I was dead. I felt cold and numb. I started to ask why. Nothing came out. Its not just me... would be the words that hunted my sleep for a long time. I looked into his eyes one last time. Is she nice? I don't know why I asked that, I guess I was in shock. I got into the car and I don't remember how I got home. I finally got the words I wanted followed by the words I never wanted to hear. How could he do this to me? I knew they had a relationship. I got the statements from the bank card. I sadistically calculated the date of the statement to the news I received. On our 10th anniversary he charged a room for two at the red roof inn, I counted over and over. That was the day she conceived.

I don't remember much in the following days. Guilt is a powerful motivator for good and bad deeds. He slowly stopped paying and I started resenting him. I took the rings and went to the pawn shop and got my baby food for the week. I also got a lawyer for a divorce. I was tired and getting worse again. The doctor, and some of my friends were really worried about me. I was a shell of a person, I was more like a machine. I worked, and worked, went to school and worked. My heart was ice, I had no affect, no feeling. My only ambition was to keep my home and take care of my son. The only way I could keep the bills at bay was to work the two jobs. I had to go to college to get a better job. It was a vicious cycle. My son also did not let me sleep. He would get up in the middle of the night crying. To get just a few hours of precious sleep I had to have him stay in bed with me. When he woke he would see me and go back to bed. I think he was worried too. Everyone said I was loosing the battle. The doctor ordered me to quit work or school; I had a semester to go and I refused.

It was during this time when I was weak and alone that I had a close friend confessed he had feelings for me. Problem being he was married. I knew him for several years, his wife, and his kids. I tried to convince him he was mistaken. I told him not to go down that path, but to take the high road and work on his problems. Over time we would talk and talk about things in our lives. We were completely different but experiencing the same emptiness and pain. Both of us are moral and religious people. We would torture ourselves over what we were contemplating. This was not like me or him. I began to feel again for the first time in the year that had past. How could a wrong feel so powerfully right? I was a hypocrite and I would punish myself for my thoughts of temptation. But our feelings for one another continued to grow.

Then one day I saw him out with his little girl, they stopped and said hi to me. The pain of truth was evident as I looked at his little girl. We were wrong to have these feelings. Though it all we remain friends, even to this day. He showed me though his caring and understanding how wrong my marriage was and how now I needed to take the time to be myself. Problem was I did not know who I was. With patience and guidance he helped me while I helped him. The important thing was he showed me I could feel. I was still alive. He taught me I could love someone; I knew could not be with him. It was not meant to be. It was a turning point.

The next month was a blur. Budget cuts cost me my part time job, and then I got the news my full time job was to be eliminated that summer. I had to finish school or I would be out of a job. I worked feverishly at staying awake and doing well in school. The bills pilled up I could not make it without the extra job. My husband was not paying and the divorce process was crawling. I had to turn in my car and I told the dealer I could not pay anymore. I managed to get a much smaller and only slightly less expensive car so I could continue to work and go to school.

December came I had made it to graduation, alive. A week after I walked down the isle with my bachelors, I lost the house. My son and I had to move out of the home I swore he would grow up in. Every position that was worth anything I sold so I did not have to loose the house but it was not enough. I had no choice but to move back in with my mother. My mom and sisters are not kid friendly people so I had to be on guard to protect my son from their verbal attacks.

The following month I got notice that my divorce was proceeding. My soon to be ex wrote down on his deposition a bunch of lies about what had happened and his income. He told the mediator that he left me because I was no good to him. I would work all the time and never had time for him or my son. The thought screamed though my head: I worked two jobs so he could hook up with his bartender! He even wrote on the deposition that he was engaged to be married, which ticked off the mediator. How can you be engaged to be married when your not divorced yet.

Then the moment I had dreaded. I finally got to meet the other woman face to face. My attorney questioned her, she was polished, practiced, and articulate with her answers. I could not stand to look at her. She replaced me. She was tall, thin, and tan. I kept hearing my husbands words echo in my head, how ugly, fat, unattractive, lazy, bitchy, boring, I was. They sang in chorus with the ghosts of my parents comments when I was a kid in my head. Stupid. Trash. Worthless. She was none of these things, I thought. I glanced down at the ground and waited for the questions to stop.

He got his due when the amount of child support was announced to him. He got upset and jumped up and shouted but I just had a baby how can I afford to pay her that! Everyone, his attorney, my attorney, and the mediator all said at once that’s not her problem, we are here for this kid in this marriage. The look on his face was my moment of joy. I never sought to be vindictive, mean, or ugly. But I enjoyed that moment. He got me back by petitioning for sole custody, which was denied. He was granted every other weekend, and Wednesdays. He would only take my son if he was well, if he had any kind of sniffle, cough, scratched thumb he would not have him. Being a fair weather father is tough.

With my divorce over, no home, and my time on my job running out I had to turn to me. I applied for several jobs and got one far away from my home but it was the highest paying one! I did it I was going to be ok, at least financially. It was too late to save my home but with the money I was going to be making I could afford to move back out and have a real place to live with my son. My son will never know he was my rock in all of this. His behavior changed dramatically and my happy, strong, independent, little boy was clinging, sullen, and worried all the time. I tried so hard to make the transition from having a home to living in a room as painless as possible. I shielded him from my families’ acid tongue. Their words to us were harsh and cruel but we had a nice warm place to sleep at night. So we spend as much time as possible away from my mom's house. We would walk downtown, go to the park, pool, and just listen to the music from the sidewalk cafe's at night. It was a fun but exhausting life. For someone with my aliments to do this after working a full day's job was detrimental. I did it for my baby, and it kept me going.

With the job taken care of I needed to fix me socially after much coaxing my close friend convinced I needed to date people. He coordinated my outfits and gave me pep talks. I needed to live for my sons sake he would tell me. So I did.

I dated some but I still felt empty and sad inside. He coached me to be the person I pretended to be at work - strong and confident. I actually asked some guys out for the first time in my life. I was scared but I was determined not to fail. Most of the guys I met were shallow and I was getting disappointed. Again my friend encouraged me to not give up and do something I would never consider doing. So I did, one of the most memorable of the experiences was with a guy who worked in the radio business.

He was charming, witty, fun loving and had a very sexy voice. He would openly talk about the fact he was single and how he loved kids. I never had the courage to call up a station before, but I made myself do it. I was scared out of my mind every time I phoned. But I did it because it is something I would have never done before. Eventually I won a contest and he kindly offered to hold the tickets at the station for me since he knew I lived so far away. I was intimidated to meet him face to face. I was still very insecure about my appearance but a girlfriend of mine went with me for moral support. Went I went to the station I was greeted by a tall man who was as handsome as he was charming. We talked for a few moments and then my friend and I left. I had taken a first step, something new. A few days later I did call and asked him if be intersted in going out sometime. He said it would be ok, but I lived too far away for him to drive. I was really disappointed, but it was not a flat out no, and he sounded sincere. This act was the springboard that gave me the courage to make a decision that forever changed my life. A friend called that day and wanted to set me up on a blind date. I had never been on a blind date before. I thought to myself if I have the courage to call a complete stranger and ask them if they want to go out sometime; how was this different?

I went on the date and met a person completely opposite from my ex-husband. He was shy and awkward but he seemed sweet and kind. We dated several times and then I broke it off. I got scared. All these "what if's" were playing in my head. How could I trust someone?, how could I let someone in my life now after everything that has happened?. I thought my ex-husband was my sole mate and now I am going to make another mistake again! I withdrew and avoided everyone for a few days. Then I looked at my son as he was asleep in the car. I hope you dance played...I hope you never feel those mountains in the distance.. never settle for the path of least resistance.. I decided to finish what I had the courage to start. I went out on another date but this time with my son in tow.

My son was cautious but warmed up to him. I saw how they interacted and figured if my son could trust again after what he had been though I could trust too. When I allowed myself to openly feel again; we fell in love very quickly. Everything moved very fast, but I was never afraid again. It felt right. I felt like I knew this man, I just met, my whole life. I felt complete after two years of feeling dead and shattered. I felt alive and strong. I met the most caring and loving person I have ever known.

My health has since improved but I have never been completely well. I got pregnant after knowing him just a few short months. We got married and we are now a real family. My son has flourished and is growing up in his step dad's image as a kind and thoughtful man. I know I complained before about there being more to life.. but what I meant was being more to life then being trapped by work and bills.. drowned by debt and missing opportunities because of money.. I did not mean anything about my family. Trust me I have worked hard to get here, I am not giving this up.

Incidentally, I still call that radio station and talk to that clever, handsome man, who I now consider a good friend. He never knew that his simple act of kindness and caring gave me the strength to continue on down the broken road of my life that led me to the loving husband and family I have today.

And that, as Paul Harvey would say, is the rest of the story.

2005-11-30T23:34:00.000-05:00

Part 2 life's little challenges.
This is not about pity, this is about strength. It is about going as low as you think your sole can take and still fighting the good fight.

This is the part where I am still sinking, but I do not drown. And now the rest of the story....(I love Paul Harvey!)

When my then husband walked out the door after handing me his wedding band I put it on top of my band. I wore the rings together to symbolize what my deepest desire was, for him to come back to us. I could not let go of this thought, but I did not have time to deal with it either. I had a child to take care of I had to work and provide a future for us. I put myself into overdrive.

My husband over drafted our joint account. The bank told me I could not close the account unless I made it current and I could not close it without his signature. So, I opened my own account at the same bank. He threatened if I closed the account he would stop paying me. I needed the money since I was so far behind in all the bills. So he won. He bounced the account to pay me money for support. Eventually he got the balance so far in the negative the overdraft was spent. That week when I got paid the bank took my check to cover the negative without me knowing what happened. I was trying to buy formula when my card stopped working. I went to the bank and got a balance. I lost it right in the bank when I saw my paycheck was gone. I had already written the bills out and nothing was going to get paid. They had to take me into the back office and I explained what had happened. I had no shame for crying at this point and I could not stop myself if I had wanted to. The bank officer told me I could have and should have closed the account. I did not need my husband’s permission. The account was 38 dollars negative and the bank paid it and I closed the account. My sole account was already substantially negative. She gave me her card and told me to wait a few days and they would reverse all the bounce charges. I was grateful but it did not put food on the table. I cried all the way home.

This was the lowest point I thought. What did I do to him that was so bad? I loved him, took care of him, made a child with him. What did I do that was so wrong.. Just kept playing in my head. I composed myself and called his house. He was not there, so I told his father what happened. He gave me some money for food but my whole paycheck was gone. I did not eat for two weeks, but my son did. I could not eat even if I wanted to, I could not even keep down water and crackers.

In order to keep the house I worked two jobs one full time, one part time, and re-enrolled in college full time. I saw my baby only when he was sleeping, for a few precious hours in the morning, and weekends for over a year. I was lucky to have some friends help me out by watching him when I went to school and work. I would hold him and cry at night when he was sleeping. I would not cry in front of him. I cried when I drove to work, drove home, and especially on Fridays when I knew I had to face a weekend or holiday alone. I did this for two years. Over time I would cry less and less but it took two years to stop crying completely. When men leave it usually means one thing. Another woman. A friend finally convinced me to leave the house after a few months into my separation. We live in a diverse county. I was born, raised, and schooled here. My husband’s parents and my parents live in the same small city. Many times I have passed either my husband or his folks on the road. There is no place to hide it seems sometimes. After much coaxing I took my friends advise and went downtown with her and my son.

We passed by one of the downtown spots my husband frequented. It was Sunday, and the restaurant/bar was near empty. I knew the bartender since high school and he immediately came up to me and asked me what was wrong. Apparently my husband, his girlfriend, who was a bartender at the place he moonlighted at as a bouncer, and her son were there the weekend before. When my bartender friend asked where I was my husband said we mutually decided to split. As I was explaining the story of what had happened my back was to the sidewalk. In mid sentence my friend who was facing the sidewalk took my son from my arms. I was puzzled at the expressions on their faces. I asked them what was wrong. They told me my husband, the girlfriend, and kid just walked by. I ran out the door, they covered two blocks by the time I got out the doorway. It was my first glimpse of her. She was tall, like him, thin, and in an instant they turned the corner and was gone. I felt sick and just stood there for a moment, looking at the spot they disappeared into, as the sun sank down, it seemed to take my heart and strength with it. I was replaced. The human body can only take so much, the human mind however is a powerful tool. My body began to fail, I kept getting sicker, and sicker. I was so weak that I would fall asleep while driving, in class, at work. Something was wrong. I had an understanding boss, who later became my best friend. He figured out what was going on and cornered me one day. He told me I know. I was almost in tears when I asked him what he meant. I did not tell anyone what had happened to me. I did not want to be pitted. I was ashamed. I had become what I feared most, a single mother, another statistic of daily modern life.

I eventually let a very small group of friends know. I was betrayed by one "friend" who spread gossip about my situation. The shock of that betryal hit me especially hard, it ripped open my heart again. I went ballastic at work when the school gossip threw the news of my situation in my face. I went out to the car, tears streaming, sobbing, and I could not find my keys to the car to leave. I had no where to go and just cried in the parking lot for a while. I pulled out my sunglasses and went back inside the building. I had to go to a meeting with my betrayer on a student. When the guidance couselor asked me if I was ok, I said in front of my betrayer I was fine, I thought something bad had happened, but I was wrong, nothing bad happened. I never spoke to my "friend" again. When I left the meeting my boss followed me out and I told him what happened. He followed me out to my car. He said he was glad I did not drive off because I probably would have wrecked my car. I was worried I could not find my keys, so we went to my car together. While I was outside I talked to my boss about what was really happening to me and he told me to see a doctor. I finally agreed to see one. When we reached my car, on the ground right underneath the drivers side door, laid my car keys. They were not there before.

I did as I promised and went to the doctor. Four months had passed since the time he had left.. I was not getting better. The doctor preformed many tests and I had to wait a while for the results. He found out I had mono, I did not get it the fun way either! It also turned out I have chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia. They do not know how people get fibromyalgia some did not believe it was a real illness. If I had to describe what a bad day is like just image what it would feel like if you ran all day in sand and then had someone beat the living tar out of you. The pain can be debilitating and depressing. Chronic fatigue and mono are well known. Mono is a virus and with any virus takes time to dissipate. Chronic fatigue syndrome accompanies fibro and mono. No matter how much sleep you do your don't get it feels like you just laid down when the alarm goes off in the morning. Your body never gets a chance to recover. So basically I am in pain all the time, I feel tired all the time, it is like a never ending flu where you feel drained and ache all the time.

After the doctor told me what was happening to me I drove to my in-laws to get my son. It had been 5 months since my husband left, he was living at my in-laws. That prevented me from going to seek solace from his mom. This made me feel truly all alone. His parents and I were very close and she did not seek me out even though I sought to speak to her many times. I felt abandoned again. I swore not to place my trust in anyone else and promised myself I was going to be ok. I was going to provide my own solace.

When I would pick up my son, my husband, was usually never around. That night he was. He helped me carry our child to the car and buckle him in. He gave me some money for food and formula. It was a beautiful, cool, October night. The moon was large and full. When he handed me the money it was the first time since he left that he actually looked me in the eye. He told me he had been thinking. Another friend of his left his wife and after 7 months went back to her. He said that I was still his wife and that he loved me. Tears streamed down my face, the words I had wanted to hear for so long were said. He kissed me and I held him tightly and cried. I asked him to come home to his family, we could work things out. I told him how I did not want our son to grow up without a family. He held me and said its not just me. I broke our embrace and asked him what did that mean?

Later the truth and part 3...

2005-11-28T23:53:00.000-05:00

Adversity and lives little challenges..

I am supposed to be doing my homework.. but I am at the vary least disinterested.
Many of you have shared real personal details about your life.. your pain, your disapointments, what pisses you off, what you would like to piss on.. etc.

I will tell you a little about me.. I am the oldest of 3 children.. my parents should have never gotten together.. I say this not because I did not wish to be born.. or my sisters to be born.. but I do not think they ever liked each other.. never mind loved each other.. but 3 kids were born of this "union" of marital bliss..

I thought everyone's parents slept in separate rooms when I was a kid.. my middle sister, my dad and I shared a room for many years.. my mom and my kid sister were in the other.. I though that was "normal". My family had problems.. I was almost killed by my mom and dad fighting when I was 7. She had a gun and was drunk.. mom my laid the weapon, which I though at the time was a toy on my dresser.. my dad and mom wrestled on my bed the gun was pointed right at me and I froze.. I did not know what to do.. I just cried... while my dad was screaming for me to call the cops I woke.. time seemed to slow down..I grabbed my sisters hand and I took them into my moms room and locked the door and picked up the phone crying and called my aunt. It was the first time I was scared and it had a profound impact. I am not close with my family even though we live in the same county. I always wish I had a "normal" family relationship with them.

I hated my life then.. but at the same time I knew as a kid I had it good...I was one of those kids who liked being a kid. .. My grandfather raised me...I spent most of my time with him until he died when I was a teen.. I was mad at him for leaving me when I needed him most. He was the first person who believed in me. He wanted me to be a singer.. he bought me equiptment to practice on.. and loved and encouraged me to sing.. I quit the day he died.. I had no reason to sing anymore.. I was my grandfathers son.. in a girls form.. I did some girl stuff.. dance, gymnastics, and stuff but I was into sports and martial arts - I was a black belt...My grandfather wanted me to be a singer or a broadcaster.. but he was not disappointed when I wanted to be an astronaut's...I love science still do. I taught astronomy when I was 13 - 18 at the local planetarium.. I loved it. First time and last time I really loved a job! But who can survive on 5.00 an hour!

Anyway, I was awkward and had low self esteem. When my folks finally divorced when I was in high school, they were no help. My mom called me trash, stupid, and just like my father.. My dad called me bitchy, demanding, and ungrateful just like my mom.. So I learned to face my demons early in life..I was actually shy in high school but no one would guess that about me now. My grandfather taught me to speak my mind, this doesn't win you false friends.. or many friends for that matter.. I can be gruff..

At 13 I came down with a serious case of pneumonia which almost killed me. I was in ICU for a month - I refused to be on full bed rest. The nurses were all impressed when I made me self sit up and went to the rest room by myself.. I faced death before I was not going quietly. I got sick because I went on a DC 30 it is a twin prop plane with 30 seats.. Placard on the door said flown in WW2 should have been a sign.. not to go. I had never been on a plane before or since...the non pressurized cabin did not go well with my air sickness...and fluids got trapped. I survived but never went on a plane again.

My next event was after graduation when I met my first love. I never had a guy, especially a handsome one, take interest in me seriously. He was not intimidated by me and he had such a smile and eyes light brown with hits of green.. that just made me feel alive.. we were together for 9 years.. I lived for him.. I did everything for him.. I changed for him.. He became my world.. He cheated on me, said he was sorry, I took him back. He promised not to stray.. and it would happen again. I was in love. I did not want to end up like my parents. Relationships have problems you are supposed to work on problems as a team. I was the perfect 1950's wife. I kept the house, cooked the dinners, but I worked. Eventually I got pregnant and we got married.

When I told my mom I was expecting she said there are ways you can fix that. I never felt more alone. I was very close with my soon to be inlaws. His mom was more of a mother to me than my own mom.

My ex-husband later he said I pushed him into it but he pretty much blamed me for everything in the end. I did not have a shotgun at the wedding so I can not figure out how I forced anything. After the baby I worked two jobs he worked one and joined a gym. He wanted to work out and become "buff". One week before our ten year anniversary he told me he was through. He did not love me. He did not find me good looking, attractive, and he wanted out. He told me this infront of our baby, who was 2 at the time. I was sobbing why, I felt the whole world rip away, my heart sank, I got sick. My baby kept saying don't cry mommy and started crying too. He walked me to the car and I drove to his parents because I got no support from my folks. It was hard times. He left me worse than broke, I was 8 grand in debt. I had refinaced the house to pay off his debt. I worked, he paid bills. I was going to loose the house, car, and had no money for diapers, milk, or daycare. I was the one who made the better salary and I had nothing to show for it. He wanted me to divide the stuff, and decide what to do with the house right then after he told me we were though. I told him I could not make a decision now and he would have to wait.

When I came back to the house I packed him some clothes and told him to take some time and think about what he was throwing away. I wanted him to be happy. I told him I loved him and he gave me his wedding ring, and he walked out the door.....

To be continued..

2005-11-27T09:51:00.000-05:00

I am official. I got a response to my online entry! Well it was more that I expected!
Thanks to Sean Moore for christening my blog. P.S. if any hot single south Florida women are reading this check him out his blog is called on sean's mind. He is a cute, young, and single.

So I was thinking about my so-called life. I think as responsible citizens we get our priorities screwed up. We are supposed to work and provide for our family, and ourselves but when does that leave time for anything else? We have one life to live and enjoy and love and experience new things but how many of us are trapped in a 9 x 8 cubicle all day, then race home to deal with school, or families, only to end up too exhausted to do anything but go to bed? There has to be more to life then this? I admire the irresponsible people at times, the ones who choose adventure over mediocrity. There is a country song that has the lyrics.. "Is there life out there, so much she has not know.. is there life beyond her family and her home..she does what she should..should she do what she dares.. she doesn't want to leave but she wonders is there life out there.

I guess I am melancholy. I just don't remember when dreaming of what I wanted to be when I grow up as an exhausted office worker, who has never done anything really, or traveled anywhere? In today's economy who can afford it? Gas prices can equal a small car payment now? Does anyone remember the day's when a single household income, yes usually earned by the man, provided food, clothing, a nice warm roof over your head, family vacations, and a car complete with Sunday road trips? Now you can't live on two paychecks.. unless one of you works two jobs!! I am not the type to kvetch (complain) and do nothing about it. I go to school at night to earn more money than I am currently making, I am trying to get over my fear of travel (hard to do when you have no money or energy to go anywhere). I am also trying to get over my fear of crowds (again hard to do when you have no energy) and I do not know a lot of people. I use to make friends easily but work encompasses so much of what I do that it is hard.

So today I encourage everyone, ok the one person who may read this blog, to find a dream to follow. Life should be an action adventure movie, not a passive wallflower existence.

Viva la dia.Live the day.

2005-11-22T23:06:00.000-05:00

I have never blogged before. Well now I can say I have. I am old enough to be most of the other bloggers older.. sister. I am not a twentysomethinger anymore, I am a thirtysomethinger. I asked several co-workers if they even knew what a blog was? And what would you do with it? No one knew. I guess it has taken me twentysomething years to finally be cool and hip. Geeze now that is scary.

I like most people work to damn much, I am not going to bore you with it because I am trying to impose a rule on not talking about work when I am not there. I dedicate 10 or more hours slaving away, why one more?

Anyway my goal in life is to live it one day between going to work, school, and sleeping. I will be shocked as heck if anyone actually reads this dribble.

Well here is to my publishing debut on the world wide web. Le'chiam